As highlighted in part one of this post, I was cyclical in my emotions, maybe even on the brink of depression(!?!).
I honestly relayed how I felt to friends and family whom expected me to leave and to those whom asked how I was (if I was okay), confused though as I sounded.
It was (not) funny how NO ONE wanted me to leave. I was the ONLY ONE that felt sad I did not go. It made me feel ALONE. It made me question whether it was me that willed my own journeys, not God.... I do that, in efforts to always look at every angle of my decisions and plans.
My mental state was spiralling into unhealthy, despite understanding and still remembering the outcomes and my reshaping, as a result of struggles and journeys. I was thankfully assured by the fact that my pastor and mentor dissected my ideas, thoughts and processes; to ensure that I reacted and discerned appropriately, scripturally and responsibly. They became my reminder that I was not alone, they went through my rollercoaster experiences with me, and they wrung me just as much to make sure my motivations, actions and decisions were coming from the "right" place. God bless them.
Physically, it did not help that I did not know what to do anymore, literally!! I had no plans after my birthday celebration. I was meant to be overseas already. So suddenly I had nothing but routine and small stuff to do, no one to do nothing with, and I started feeling like I was... *looking for the right word to describe it*... sinking(?)... into purposelessness.
An opportunity to go away to a farm with my mother came, and I took it. I was escaping the funk in my head. I thought I was running away, to sleep off my evils, to de-clutter, read books, take refuge, cry, or to be introspective some more in my communication with God and myself.... God had other plans. He works in mysteriously wonderful ways. I knew that already. :-)
Even before I left for the farm, God was sending me reminders that I will explain in three words below. But I was stuck in my cloud of feeling "lack", as explained above. So as always, He dealt with me best, the way He knew I'd understand, knowing fully how I'd react. The little intricacies of tapping into my narcissistic needs. The catch was, so I'd understand Him, I also had to be willing to listen, and that I do now.
I learnt about the lifestyle and business of Australian agriculture (wheat and cattle). I had a glimpse of what locals and farmers do, similar to the way I dove with curiosity into new places and explored the countries I visited. This time in the comfort of my own home country and still able to progress rehabilitation of my injury. I confirmed the fragility of my ankle in travels which strengthened my acceptance of it being the only reason to withdraw training. A weak excuse I thought (because I am/used to be physically unstoppable, a doer, a go-getter), but I don't think so anymore. In that busyness I also did everything I thought I was going to do - ran away, slept off my evils, de-cluttered, read books, took refuge, cried (as explained below), and communicated to God. The effect however was refreshment, instead of gloom/depression. :-)
[Note to self: I always feel closest to Him when I step away from the city or my regular life. I don't need to be alone, just away. I also don't need to be overseas *smiling/smirking*, just away. I guess similar to when Jesus goes into the mountains alone, and pray in private.]
On my last whole day to spend at the rural region, in church, the preacher gave me a God-sent message. The topic name was my continuous question, written boldly on the powerpoint presentation!! I KNEW I HAD TO TAKE NOTE. God listens. God knows. God answers. I held back tears (to not freak out the preacher and the old people in the congregation!) as I listened, and understood. Thank you God. :-))
In three words:
JOYFUL
- Despite seesawing between feelings of happiness, broken-heartedness and lost, I did not lose the joy of the assurance I feel. Within all the unknowns my self and whatever else are throwing in my path, I am calmed by the fact that I know my faith in God.
- I had strengthening lessons in faith that kept me joyful regardless of circumstances. I divide them, in order, into three (3) understanding, based on my experiences, not on what I felt, but on what I know:
COMFORTED
- Sometimes plans were very clear, others times they took time to find clarity. I naturally wanted something unmistakable to let me know I was/am on the right path. Affirmation of what, where and with whom I should go in my life, in the standard I like to receive these news (despite daily trying to ensure that my own will be prioritised secondary to God's plan).... My comforts came not from getting things my way, but in trusting God knows what is best for me and He will communicate all to me, in His time, when all is ready/aligned, in the form/way I will (eventually) comprehend.
- Comforted, in spite of all my varying levels of comprehension, and when God gives me an answer where I could not help but react with disbelief (e.g. Is that really your intended plan, despite all I am going through and/or doing? Is this it!?). Maybe because I expected bigger plans or clearer signs or nothing(?!?).... I am reminded instead of the realisation of what God is doing now in my life. Grasping and appreciating what God has done now, the little miracles, the mustard seeds.
- I'm reminded that Jesus worked at individual and intimate level. Not global scale. He made the blind see, the lame walk, the leper healed, and the dead alive again. God is doing all those to me, and more.
PEACEFUL
- Despite seesawing between feelings of happiness, broken-heartedness and lost, I will not forget the immense peace I felt (and still lingeringly feel) when I trusted and acted in obedience to God. I am still new at this and learning much with guidance from my trusted people, but I think this level of peacefulness is a good gauge of whether I am walking the right direction, be it forward, or backward, or still.
- I have all I need.
- My mind is now quiet... and tidy.... I left all my questions of whether I made the right decision/s behind at the farm. :-)
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I honestly relayed how I felt to friends and family whom expected me to leave and to those whom asked how I was (if I was okay), confused though as I sounded.
It was (not) funny how NO ONE wanted me to leave. I was the ONLY ONE that felt sad I did not go. It made me feel ALONE. It made me question whether it was me that willed my own journeys, not God.... I do that, in efforts to always look at every angle of my decisions and plans.
My mental state was spiralling into unhealthy, despite understanding and still remembering the outcomes and my reshaping, as a result of struggles and journeys. I was thankfully assured by the fact that my pastor and mentor dissected my ideas, thoughts and processes; to ensure that I reacted and discerned appropriately, scripturally and responsibly. They became my reminder that I was not alone, they went through my rollercoaster experiences with me, and they wrung me just as much to make sure my motivations, actions and decisions were coming from the "right" place. God bless them.
Physically, it did not help that I did not know what to do anymore, literally!! I had no plans after my birthday celebration. I was meant to be overseas already. So suddenly I had nothing but routine and small stuff to do, no one to do nothing with, and I started feeling like I was... *looking for the right word to describe it*... sinking(?)... into purposelessness.
An opportunity to go away to a farm with my mother came, and I took it. I was escaping the funk in my head. I thought I was running away, to sleep off my evils, to de-clutter, read books, take refuge, cry, or to be introspective some more in my communication with God and myself.... God had other plans. He works in mysteriously wonderful ways. I knew that already. :-)
Even before I left for the farm, God was sending me reminders that I will explain in three words below. But I was stuck in my cloud of feeling "lack", as explained above. So as always, He dealt with me best, the way He knew I'd understand, knowing fully how I'd react. The little intricacies of tapping into my narcissistic needs. The catch was, so I'd understand Him, I also had to be willing to listen, and that I do now.
I learnt about the lifestyle and business of Australian agriculture (wheat and cattle). I had a glimpse of what locals and farmers do, similar to the way I dove with curiosity into new places and explored the countries I visited. This time in the comfort of my own home country and still able to progress rehabilitation of my injury. I confirmed the fragility of my ankle in travels which strengthened my acceptance of it being the only reason to withdraw training. A weak excuse I thought (because I am/used to be physically unstoppable, a doer, a go-getter), but I don't think so anymore. In that busyness I also did everything I thought I was going to do - ran away, slept off my evils, de-cluttered, read books, took refuge, cried (as explained below), and communicated to God. The effect however was refreshment, instead of gloom/depression. :-)
[Note to self: I always feel closest to Him when I step away from the city or my regular life. I don't need to be alone, just away. I also don't need to be overseas *smiling/smirking*, just away. I guess similar to when Jesus goes into the mountains alone, and pray in private.]
On my last whole day to spend at the rural region, in church, the preacher gave me a God-sent message. The topic name was my continuous question, written boldly on the powerpoint presentation!! I KNEW I HAD TO TAKE NOTE. God listens. God knows. God answers. I held back tears (to not freak out the preacher and the old people in the congregation!) as I listened, and understood. Thank you God. :-))
******************************
JOYFUL
- Despite seesawing between feelings of happiness, broken-heartedness and lost, I did not lose the joy of the assurance I feel. Within all the unknowns my self and whatever else are throwing in my path, I am calmed by the fact that I know my faith in God.
- I had strengthening lessons in faith that kept me joyful regardless of circumstances. I divide them, in order, into three (3) understanding, based on my experiences, not on what I felt, but on what I know:
- First, was my confirmed faith in believing that God exist.
- Second, was my faith in God's word (the Bible, and believing in Jesus and the Holy Spirit).
- Third, was my faith in action (which included having the courage to trust, and to obey, after the first two points were confirmed).
COMFORTED
- Sometimes plans were very clear, others times they took time to find clarity. I naturally wanted something unmistakable to let me know I was/am on the right path. Affirmation of what, where and with whom I should go in my life, in the standard I like to receive these news (despite daily trying to ensure that my own will be prioritised secondary to God's plan).... My comforts came not from getting things my way, but in trusting God knows what is best for me and He will communicate all to me, in His time, when all is ready/aligned, in the form/way I will (eventually) comprehend.
- Comforted, in spite of all my varying levels of comprehension, and when God gives me an answer where I could not help but react with disbelief (e.g. Is that really your intended plan, despite all I am going through and/or doing? Is this it!?). Maybe because I expected bigger plans or clearer signs or nothing(?!?).... I am reminded instead of the realisation of what God is doing now in my life. Grasping and appreciating what God has done now, the little miracles, the mustard seeds.
- I'm reminded that Jesus worked at individual and intimate level. Not global scale. He made the blind see, the lame walk, the leper healed, and the dead alive again. God is doing all those to me, and more.
PEACEFUL
- Despite seesawing between feelings of happiness, broken-heartedness and lost, I will not forget the immense peace I felt (and still lingeringly feel) when I trusted and acted in obedience to God. I am still new at this and learning much with guidance from my trusted people, but I think this level of peacefulness is a good gauge of whether I am walking the right direction, be it forward, or backward, or still.
- I have all I need.
- My mind is now quiet... and tidy.... I left all my questions of whether I made the right decision/s behind at the farm. :-)
Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
I read a woman having a massive mid-life crisis intensified due to abrupt disability to proceed with her way of life as before. The decreased amount of possibilities to present yourself as active player may have caused the desperate search for other fields of profiling. This would e.g. physiologically explain your very streamlined and fierce godliness. By chance your mentor noticed that and therefore recommended to wait with any missions til you are emotionally settled and become able to concentrate on the mission itself and not on how you feel and / or want to be seen.
ReplyDeleteTherefore – not having met him yet – I highly respect your mentor as a remarkable smart and(!) sensible person. Thumbs up.
~Ulrich
I researched "mid-life crisis", in case I don't actually understand what it signifies. I also know many people whom had and are currently going through it (they said, or I think).
ReplyDeleteYou are throwing this label to the wrong person, although according to the lists of symptoms of sufferers, I tick many boxes. But wait, so do you!!! Are you okay? Have you lived your life fully? Did you miss out that you better do it now before it is too late!!?!? Jump Uli, jump! Or just dye your hair blond. ;-P
I always push for people to be foremost responsible, secondly real, thirdly respectful, to themselves and to others. If this "midlife crisis" encourages people to keep/start living life well, to change their negatives into positives, to reassess their priorities, to (re)discover their passions/pursuits/interests, and to continuously be inspired.... I say give me these crises all the time!
But I think you paint it negatively above. It is surprising and disappointing that despite all our conversations you still have tunnel (lack of) understanding. And it is comments like that that could discourage people to be like what I mentioned in the paragraph above.
Yes, my mentor is wonderful. She is a blessing and a God-sent.
Of course i have my own crisis, too. In my case it’s caused by an empty soul and a stupid, decreasing job – I had avoided / not solved the required decisions for far too long. Primarily because it took me far too much time to acknowledge that it’s indeed a crisis – therefore I had no idea of how to tackle it and simply pushed that topic mentally away, which of course is not a solution at all.
ReplyDeleteI guess, everybody has his / her own crisis somehow and of different intensities. What really makes a human be mature is the way the human deals with his / her crisis. That ability affects highly any relationship too - i guess, i just explained why i am still single ;-)
~ Ulrich